State of play

Emotions of joy or jealousy?

Do you ever read your old blog posts and find your old self preaching to your now self?

I find myself in such a strange place with my blog. I’ve been posting less for some time now, yet I’ve 46 neglected drafts in my draft folder. I just re-read my post “I have to write” and realise I’m still stuck there, where I was, in my blogging journey, my life journey, 6 weeks ago.

I don’t like to write endlessly about the same struggles. I hate sounding like a broken record, stuck in any rut, not moving, evolving, growing. So I’ve not written. In fact, I’ve not known what or how to write. Maybe I’m trying too hard. But I’ve missed it.

Despite the exhortations I’ve read to the contrary, I seem to be someone who needs to find my inspiration from without. I feel sheepish admitting this when I have often read quotes about the more-valued way of finding inspiration from within.

Reading the writing of others – be it blogs, books, articles, quotes – challenges and inspires me. Viewing photos and artwork challenges and inspires me. It is in savouring these inputs that I find myself moved to output creatively in words or images. I feel invigorated, alive, when I’m inspired!

However, I’ve not been able to read regularly for a while. For months now, Instagram has been my primary input and outlet, but even that, of late, has been a struggle.

It’s no fun feeling mentally stagnant and emotionally flat. The drudgery of work and its mechanics and iterations, takes a lot from my mind and thought processes. The routine of life does too (boy, have I grown to dislike laundry!). So has the ongoing lack of sleep which has even pushed me to consider weaning my 20 month old who mostly feeds overnight for comfort. Yet it’s hard to be determined now that her burgeoning vocabulary includes, “More milk, more milk, peeeeeeease!”

One positive and well overdue move is the half hour daily walk I do after work. I think another would be to squeeze in a little 15 minute block daily, just a little acorn, and find something positive and uplifting to do with that time. Making a habit of being more mindful about how I start my day would also help, rather than allowing myself to be swamped in the madness of work and the household routine.

Which brings me to the posts I’ve written suggesting I need to do exactly these things. It feels like broken record territory, but flip it on its head and I could say I am grateful for fresh starts. Sometimes the resolve to be positive is easier than at other times but having the chance for a fresh start is definitely better than stagnation!

{image credit}

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Linking with With Some Grace for FlogYoBlogFriday (FYBF).


18 thoughts on “State of play

  1. Oh hun, I don’t think there is any shame in getting inspiration from external sources. It certainly doesn’t diminish the amazing way you look at the world or the beautiful & creative way you express yourself.

    Give yourself some mind space & cut yourself some slack. Sometimes disengaging is exactly what we need to do before a fresh start xx

    • Thanks for your lovely comment and taking the time to drop by, Nee. As I was writing, I started thinking I might need to be easier on myself. Maybe if I stop trying to so hard, it’ll flow. xx

  2. Oh, V. I got a little teary reading this. It was like I was walking through all your struggles with you. And in a way, through the past year, I have. But here’s to new beginnings. Keep working towards reaching happiness and to get your inspiration back. I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting a walk in after work. It’s what your soul needs. xxx

    • Grace, I was very teary after reading everyone’s kind and lovely comments! I did not expect that reaction from myself. I guess I’m feeling a lot more deeply than I’ve given myself time to really process. Wanting some changes. xx

  3. I have quite a few old posts.. quite a few ‘i started….’ and quite a few finished posts I never posted…

    Sometimes you just have to think ‘keep moving forward’ and those posts in the past don’t matter anymore!


  4. Oh I so hear you! I sounds like a broken record, but every day is the same. It’s hard not to get stuck in a rut once in a while. And blogging is like any hobby. Sometimes you don’t think about it for weeks, other times you seem to be constantly feeding it hours. That’s what I find anyway.
    A fresh start is always a good idea. Hope you feel less stagnant in the weeks ahead 🙂

    • Thanks, Victoria. I took the wedding one whilst my daughter ran rings around trees in the park! I wished I had a DSLR on me but was quite pleased how the iPhone image came out.

  5. So pleased that you have found some space for yourself Veronica. I know that this will help those creative juices flow. Having two munchkins the same age – it’s full on times. And with work on top of that, I have no idea how you are doing it. Take care and keep creating space and it will come to you. I am sure of that. xx

  6. I don’t think it matters where you get your inspiration from, so long as you’re inspired.
    You’ve been struggling with this for a little while now. I hope you can find some way through soon, and not because you’re a broken record, but because I honestly can’t wait for you to be free. xx

    • Jess, your comment was the icing on the cake. I found myself more emotional than I expected when I read everyone’s comments. I guess where I’m at is affecting me more deeply than I’ve even had time to process. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts and wishes. I really appreciate it. xx

  7. You’re a fine writer V and your instagramming talents are outstanding!! I wish you would consider doing a little tutorial on how to take a half way decent photo or talk about how you are inspired to take certain photos? I find myself admiring your creative eye and wondering what motivated you to take a certain pic on that angle or what filters you prefer, or just what you were thinking at the time. You’re a veritable buffet of inspiration if you ask me 🙂

  8. I do read past posts sometimes and see how I’ve often gotten back into the same cycle of working too much, too long instead of stepping back. The recent hurricane forced me to step back and now I’m having a hard time getting motivated to write again. Perhaps its because I enjoyed more time with my family instead of being connected to the computer every night. If writing is feeling like a burden now, then it’s not the time to write and it’s okay. It should make you happy, not be another thing to do. Easier said then done (especially if you’re a hard worker like me), but maybe your mind is trying to tell you something? To give it a break?

  9. Oh Veronica, I feel for you. I could so relate to so many thoughts and feelings you’re having… down to the ‘I feel like a broken record’ (which can I assure you, you don’t!). The best blogs have recurring themes – it’s all good! Life is a constant challenge especially when you’re juggling work and young kids, so it’s OKAY to feel flat! It’s so difficult to feel inspired when you feel flat. Everyday stuff is consuming. But I think you know that it’s about reclaiming moments to yourself, enough to recharge you, your soul, and allowing that inspiration to seep in again. Wishing you all the best with your fresh start! (Have as many as you want!). xx

  10. Pingback: Searching for breathing space « Mixed Gems

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