Cognitive Dissonance Four Weeks on

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Being at my place of work always evokes mixed feelings for me. On the one hand I’m excited by promise of learning, education and broadened horizons. I love the buzz of the diversity of people and cultures. I love the feeling of being in touch with the world.

But how long can one live on the whiff of a promise? It is said, hope deferred makes the heart sick.

It’s been an interesting few weeks back at work. I miss my girls. I miss being the captain of my own time. I miss not being at anyone else’s beck and call, well other than my darling girls.

I’ve slipped back into the routine fairly easily. I’ve been here a long time after all. Things I didn’t want to have to remember have come flooding back. Problems I wished someone else had solved. Limitations, barriers, inequity, bureaucracy.

I’ve been trying to put my finger on it. Is it just because I’ve been here for such a long time? Is it just that I don’t know how to get on with certain people?

I know I don’t want to play the games and politics. It’s just not who I am.

I’ve found myself questioning a lot of things since I came back. There’s a thread of, “What’s the point of all this?”, running through everything I touch.

I had an interesting talk to with a new colleague the other day. I think he nailed it for me. Maybe this place does not gel with my values. And maybe I can no longer ignore that.

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I’m linking with Jess from Diary of a SAHM for IBOT.

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14 thoughts on “Cognitive Dissonance Four Weeks on

  1. I understand where you’re coming from. I often wonder if going back to the corporate world is going to annoy the absolute bejesus out of me even more than it did before. But then, I know I’m in a different place and I’d like to think that things don’t get to me the same way. But who knows. Not sure if it’s worth for me to go back into all of that to find out.
    I think perhaps for you it’s a myriad of all that you mentioned. But yes, I’m sure motherhood has changed how you perceive a lot of things, but also your level of tolerance and weighing out what’s really important now and what’s not. I guess it all depends on how high you set that bar to the level of tolerance. Just remember, life’s too short. And changing jobs is often a huge move but you know, it might end up being that difference to “tolerating a job” and really loving one.

  2. I have been thinking the same thing.. Me going back to work after 3 years as a SAHM. My ‘skills’ aren’t up to scratch as they were 3 yrs ago, I have almost become a recluse at home with lil social outtings (without children) that my communicative skills might not be up to scratch as they might need to be in corporative world. Do I really want to work to be upset when I come home? It was ok when I was younger, as I use to bitch about it down the pub.. but my lil ones don’t need to hear that.. What if a younger version of me is better at the job and I lose it? Should I just give up and do something that I know I can do like the back of my hand and keep it simple? Or challenge myself.

    I hope you find your zen.

  3. I can relate to this… probably slightly differently though. I do feel that some of what I do makes a difference (helping kids and families with their speech and language issues), but at the same time, there is so much annoying paperwork, and red-tape, and inequity of services across areas and I have very little control over much of what I need to do… when I focus too much on that stuff, I just want to go home and be with my kids!

  4. You know that I can relate to what you are going through. Sometimes it really is a struggle for me and I wonder, what am I fighting for? But then there are other days when I feel that I’m not looking at the “bigger picture”. I do hope you will be able to come to a the right decision for yourself and your family.Actually,.. it seems as if you already have made a decision 🙂

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  5. Yep I know this feeling. My job is a perfect fit for me – I get to write newsletters (yay!), it’s close to home, and only 4 days per week. BUT the office politics really bring me down at times … fortunately the positives mostly outweigh the negatives. Hope you find a solution that’s just right for you and your family xxx

  6. I realise that not all workplaces are the same, but in my experience once you’ve been with a company for a while and you’ve proven yourself (which I’m sure you have), there is a lot you can do to change your situation. From hours and location (working from home on some of the days?) to projects and people you work with. But you need to be proactive about it, please don’t just wait for something to click.

  7. I was really hoping *just maybe* you’d be feeling much more at ease by now. But obviously you’re not 😦

    I hope somehow you can find a medium that makes you happy xxx

  8. Pingback: Work in Progress – Pun Intended « Mixed Gems

  9. Pingback: A Reforming Workaholic « Mixed Gems

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