I was sitting in the hairdresser’s chair just a stone’s throw from work. As the minutes passed by, I stopped paying attention to the hairdresser, as my mind began drifting to another place. (In retrospect, that was not a good idea, but that’s another story.)
Reminders were around me. In the mirror I could see reflections of my potential clients walk by, visions of my impending future.
In that moment, my memories were more than intangible thoughts. They were palpable, evoking a visceral reaction from deep within my belly.
It was a sensation beyond nervous butterflies daintily flitting about. It was a little more onerous. It was a little darker. It was a like firm stress ball of apprehension. It was also a feeling of being trapped, like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.
When I’m far away from this place, it is far away from me, my daily life, my thoughts, my very being. I feel unburdened, my mind and emotions free of the thick, and sometimes, choking smog.
I can’t quite put my finger on what it all means. Maybe it’s because I’ve been there a long, long time. Maybe it’s because sad and disappointing things sometimes happens there, soul sapping and unedifying to the spirit.
I’ve been free from its clutches for 14 months. The thought of going back is unnerving, unsettling. But I’m doing my best to don a cloak of positivity and spectacles of optimism. My time away is now done, and into that zone I must plunge.
I’m returning armed with my favourite T2 tea and tea pot, some lavender oil, music that speaks to my soul, and photos to remind me where my true priorities lie.
I’m going to focus on being calm. I’m going to try and banish encroaching overwhelm, to avoid being swamped by the deluge of what is awaiting.
I’m going to remind myself to take my lunch breaks. I hope to even manage a daily brisk walk or run in the beautiful park next door, making sure I give myself little break through the day to throw off the shackles and replenish my energy, spirit and attitude: maybe even get some perspective.
Maybe, I’ll even try to exercise daily gratitude and remember to smile; to make an effort to climb out of myself and focus on others.
It’s going to be a time of readjustments; a time to get my bearings. It’s going to be a time to be open and real with myself, real about what I am feeling and where I am at. Time for research. Time to get all the ingredients to figure out what and where to next.
And I guess that’s the point; I’m not really trapped no matter how I feel. It’s in my power to change both myself and my situation.
Either way, it’s D-Day and I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone. I don’t like it but I trust it will help me stretch and grow.