Yesterday, my baby turned 11 months. Today, I had to bring her into childcare for the first trial run. Already. And I’m not ready. Really.
I am slated to return to work at the start of April. If we don’t want to lose our childcare place, we must start now. We must pay from now even though I am still at home. It’s really not my preferred option. But that’s the only “complaint” I am going to make. I know how hard it is for people to get places and we have a full-time slot secured at a great centre, where her sister also attends, with excellent staff and only a stone’s throw from work. For someone who needs childcare, I am really very fortunate. I am grateful.
All of this doesn’t detract from how torn I am feeling about this situation. I am not really sure I want to return to work, at least not full-time, or maybe not at all. Yet our circumstances, at the present moment, dictate I probably have to. And I’m not ready.
I know I’ve already had a year off, but I’m still not ready. I know I should be grateful that I had a year of paid parental leave, and I am. It doesn’t mean, however, that I am emotionally and mentally prepared for what comes next. Someone having it worse than me does not invalidate how I am feeling. It may give it perspective but I believe in owning what we feel, where we are at, before we can move on. But I digress…..
There is so much I thought I would get done this past year and I now have two months, less really, to try and get to the bottom of my list. I am probably being unrealistic about what I can achieve and may need to slap some sense into myself, quick smart.
By the way, Lil S did really well at childcare today. She played with the toys, interacted with the other children, explored independently, allowed the carers to carry her and change her nappy, and ate an enormous lunch happily feeding herself. The nap wasn’t so successful, but I expected that. I’m really thrilled she adjusted to the new environment so smoothly. But it doesn’t make me feel less torn…….about returning to work, about leaving her so young, about missing out on her development and that of her sister’s.
I’m linking with Jess from Diary of a SAHM for IBOT.