I know I’m tired. I can feel the weariness in the muscles of my body, as I struggle to stop slouching and to stand tall. I can feel it in my eyelids, that more than ever fail to stay open as I feed Lil S, that more than ever flicker towards sleep at odd times during the day, if I give myself the chance to sit still and do nothing.
But I know I force myself to operate like a whirlwind; keep spinning about, doing, doing, doing, just so I don’t stop. I can’t just go to sleep when I want, not when there is a little person who needs my care and attention during her waking hours, hours which seldom correspond to my need for sound sleep and rest.
I know I’m running out of time to wrap up tasks I intended to do by year’s end. Many have been pending for months, maybe since last New Year’s, delayed, procrastinated, ignored. Some need more input before I can call it a wrap but my brain’s often too tired to think coherently for long enough to get them done. Others cry out for a creative solution, something I want to birth, but it always seems just beyond the grasp of my fingers, like a dangling carrot on a stick, always just out of reach.
I know that 2012 is looming large. Christmas busy-ness, with it’s lights, sparkle, glitter, and twinkle is beautifully capturing my attention. But jumping up and down, like a shorter person behind a taller, I can see 2012 and hear it calling out, “I’m coming! Look at me! Look at me! Look at MOY!”.
I know I want to make lots of improvements in 2012. I can feel that desire for renewal and creativity in the fibres of my being. I just don’t know what that exactly means right now. I don’t want to think too much about it and miss the last days before Christmas.
Right now, as Miss T stands looking at me, happily munching on her peanut butter sandwich, I just know I want to embrace being with her and her sister, and try to banish all distracting thoughts of the debris flying about the whirlwind in my mind.
I also know that will be easier said than done.
Have you started thinking about 2012 and all you want to achieve in the new year? Or is Christmas all you’re thinking about for now?