I wrote recently about needing some breathing space, from many things, from my family, my children even. I enjoy the moments where I don’t feel responsible for anyone but myself…..like when they’re asleep.
Adjusting to the responsibility of caring for little ones 24/7 was a challenge when I first became a mother. One day I was an individual, primarily responsible for myself, then suddenly, I was a mother, responsible for a baby who was totally and permanently dependent on me. It was like a switch was turned on the day my first child was born. But it took me several more months to understand what I was exactly feeling.
Almost four years on, and truth be told, my children are so intricately knit into my heart that I always feel a piece of me is missing when we are not together. I am a mother to the core of my being. When I’m shopping, looking like a lady of leisure (well, I’m not sure grocery shopping is all that leisurely!), and I see mothers with children, I feel like I need to announce, “I am a mother too. I’m in the club.” Maybe that sounds strange but it’s how I feel. Motherhood has become a huge part of my identity.
We tried for a long time to have children. In those days of longing, I wondered, hoped, imagined, even after each initial disappointment, that I would become a parent. I used to see in my mind a little child, holding onto my hand as we walked side-by-side, saying, “Mummy. Mummy.” Now it’s reality.
I suppose it’s best summed up in this beautiful quote:
“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
- Elizabeth Stone
Yes, she is her own little person, but it is still my heart out there.
Linking with Jess from Essentially Jess for IBOT.